long time no ramble.

     boo! hehe. i win.

     well, i feel like i've sort of been neglecting this poor little blog of mine. not that anyone reads it except me and lyla (<3). but still. i feel an obligation to this cute little inanimate object of mine. so yes. let me focus. i just got distracted by some game to which my friend sent me the link. escapa? i dunno. a little addictive. 19.867. pretty great, methinks. lol. so life. hrmmm....*muses* well, i haven't really done anything different. went water parkin' with my dear beloved senior, malling with my bestest friends from middle school, monopolying with the kid i've hung with since elementary school. :D. good times.

     o. started theatre camp yesterday. theatre is kinda a party. i'm super thrilled for the showcase at the end because it has been forever since i actually performed in a show. i mean, that's beacuse i'm kinda not a good performer, but i enjoy it. a lot.

     ugh. i am such a little emo kid lately. it is a terrible habit. i mean, nothing's really wrong specifically, but i'm just kinda generally angry at my life and some of the people i try to share it with. i dunno. i just feel like i'm really untalented at theatre and no matter how hard i try it's not enough. that by itself is distressing because i go to school for theatre. and then i feel like people don't really like me very much at school. i have friends, but in no way am i really a part of the theatre department. which is upsetting. and i dunno. i'm probably overreacting, but it seems like a lot of my friends, if i wanna talk to them at all, i have to be the one to contact them. no one really tries to talk to me first. i feel like they really don't particularly want to speak to me but they feel like they have to. or something. it just hurts a little to feel that the people i love the most don't care. and it's prolly not entirely true, but it's stil bothersome. and i also am kinda lamenting this i'm-no-one's-favorite thing. you know what i mean? like, people all have their best friends, the first person they come to with anything, a person they talk to everyday no matter what. that sort of thing. and i feel like even tho i'm good friends with a lot of people, i'm no one's best friend. or something like that. which sounds really elementary schoolish, but dammit, it's bothering me. and you know i'm really 8 on the inside anyway. well, YOU might not know, but i do, and that's all that really matters right? ;)

     k. that is really all i had to say. a little useless superficial ranting is good for the soul methinks. so i shall take leave now.....

******Quote: "I'm not jealous, I'm Russian."-this

          adorable child at my camp. :]

******Song: "Empty Apartment" by Yellowcard (i

          actually didn't have a song stuck in my head

          today *gaspdie* and this just came on and somehow

          seemed appropriate.)

emo scraps

it's early in the morning and someone dared to interrupt me sleeping. i don't like the morning. and people actually do stuff now. i'm vaguely terrified. but anyway, point is, nothing to do led me to writing a sad little beginning to a story that will never have an end and a pretty necessary emo poem. and tho they are not good, i felt like they needed a place somewhere. so here, enjoy my demented early morning musings. and then maybe i will sleep....

       He looked at me. Well no, not at me, past me maybe. A sort of vague, careless look off to the left. That I was now analyzing for deep meaning. Great.

       Yep. That’s what my life has come down to. Sitting in class, spending prime day dreaming time pretending to get closer to mending a friendship so broken that a straight-on look would have probably held a disgusted glare for having the misfortune to have caught sight of me.

You
Happy
All
But me?
Left behind
Or not.
But it feels that way
And beyond feelings?
A useless reality.
Rather, I live in intangible adjectives…
Liked
But not loved.
Tolerated
But not sought out.
Useful
But not desired.
“Someone’s gotta love me best.”
A joke
But how true.
The damned truth lying somewhere within my joy.
Giggles giving way to an epiphany
Maybe best left unthought.
I’m here and it might matter.
But then again,
It might not.

o, and btw, the computer lies. it is really 5:48am. just for the record.

*****Quote: Bryan: "I was left alone with my thoughts all

            night. Do you know how scary that is?"

                                                                    -The Bill Engvall Show

*****Song: "We Are Family" by the Goldman Girls